Last day of the year is usually the time most of us get retrospective. Everything we have gone through, what we want to accomplish next year. New years resolutions. I believe I said it last year, I don't set resolutions. I make goals. This year, I don't even feel like I have that in me.
I had lost over 80 pounds. Then I had to have surgery and derailed everything. I got lazy and complacent. When I tried to get back on it, I didn't lose any weight, just maintained, but that was okay. I was happy where I was. Then came the excuses. It's too hot to cook. I don't have time to meal prep. Went on vacation. Wasn't going to stick to keto while I was in Florida. Come on! It's Disney, bring on the sugary goodness! Came back, said I was going back to my dietary lifestyle. Got strep. Oh, here comes the holidays. Why restrict myself around Thanksgiving and Christmas?
I gained nearly all the weight I had lost back in slightly over 5 months.
I felt awful. Upset at myself for giving in when I was so strong for so long. I had fully embraced the keto lifestyle, it was more than a diet. Then I fell back into the same nasty routine that got me overweight to begin with. The health problems returned. I work in a call center and while reviewing one with my manager, I could hear how heavy my breathing was. My asthma was back. I was tired all the time. The migraines have returned and seriously kick me in the tail. Woke up one morning barely able to move because my back was in so much pain. I wouldn't even take Christmas pictures with my family because of my failures. I became someone who would ask how someone was doing as I was walking away, not because I didn't want to know their answer, but because I didn't want them to ask how I was doing. I just wanted to hide.
I stopped caring about myself. I'm not even sure when that happened. I began to feel resentful. I'm always someone who puts others before myself but even then, I allowed myself to fall so far down I couldn't see it. My husband does. He sees the change in me and is worried.
It's more than just the weight gain, although that's the easiest thing to see and point at. I feel insignificant to just about everyone but my husband. I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice. I wouldn't really be thought of either. Not by friends or most of my family. I would cross Brad's and a handful of others minds. I couldn't pull myself out of my funk to send the "Merry Christmas!" texts. Of course, I was working anyways. Some of my friends reading this will suddenly remember that I didn't text them. Then they will remember they didn't text me either. Or they will check to see if I had texted. Anyways, will be working on New Years as well. Can't even ring in 2020 with the person I love most.
I have failed so much and so hard this year that the little victories don't seem to matter. I don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Times when I'm in a genuine good mood seem fleeting. All too often my smile is fake, unable to fully meet someone's gaze out of shame. Shame for my failures, shame for how I feel. All too often I push through, having to gear up for the fight that's inside my head. It's exhausting.
I'm middle of the road at best. Decent enough writer for some to have purchased a few of my books. Decent enough employee, but not great enough to really be considered for other opportunities down the line. Always just average or just below. What's the point in working hard anyway if in the end you don't even get the satisfaction of a job well done?
It's doubtful I will post a link on Facebook or Twitter to blog. Although maybe I should, if only for those who care to know what I've been going through for a while. I'm writing this because I feel like if I don't, these thoughts will drown me. Mouthfuls of water gurgling to get out before disappearing under the bubbles. This isn't for sympathy or a chorus of "Of course you matter!" comments. I'm not looking for affirmation. I just don't want to drown. Maybe if someone else reads this who is going through something similar will know that I understand. And I'm here. Just bobbing at the water's edge.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Thursday, December 12, 2019
The Enemy Within by Liza O'Connor
THE
ENEMY WITHIN
By
Liza O’Connor
Book3
BLURB
MAC, the computer that controls the SkyRyder Corp
discovers that soldiers within its ranks wish to stop its Breeding Project to
make superior flyers. When a great many of these special talents are murdered
over a two-week span, MAC quickly gathers the remaining assets, modifies their
fingerprints and alters their looks, then sends them to the last place in the
world that anyone would look for them.
Welcome
to Fort Dismal, Alaska,
The
absolute worst fort in the Americas.
EXCERPT
Eliza woke to excruciating pain. However, beyond
the pain, she could feel someone holding her hand. She opened her eyes to a
very worried Captain Hudson. She was disappointed it was not the colonel, but
he was a battle soldier. She could not expect him to spend his time waiting for
her to wake up. She tried to smile at Captain Hudson but smiling hurt her lips
too much.
“Don’t try to talk,” he said. “I just want you to
know that the girls who hurt you are no longer here. You are completely safe
now. I’ve brought you both paper and pencil.” He smiled. “I know you will be
terribly bored, sitting here with nothing to do. Therefore, I’ve placed a
mathematical problem on each of the pages to keep that wonderful brain of yours
challenged.”
She wrote, thank
you, on the paper.
He pressed her hand to his lips. “You are more
than welcome, Eliza. I only wish I could have prevented this.”
“She’s awake?” Colonel Polanski’s voice spoke
from the door. Just the sound of his voice brought a smile to her face, which
caused her to groan in pain.
The colonel leaned over her, examining her face.
“I know you’re in pain, but it’s damn good to see you awake.”
Captain Hudson excused himself, giving Eliza’s
hand a gentle squeeze before leaving.
The colonel stroked her hair. “I see I’m not the
only one you’ve mesmerized,” he teased. “Well, lucky for him, he will be
accompanying you to your new place of residence. Captain Hudson’s job will be
to make certain you remain focused on your studies, and my job is to ensure you
are safe and secure.”
Eliza stared at him in surprise and then wrote
her question on her pad: Am I not going
to college then?
“No, this attempt on your life has MAC concerned.
He wants you better protected, and I’ve been assigned the onerous task.”
She wrote: It
will be a task requiring frequent rewards.
He smiled. “I imagine it will.” Then his eyes
saddened. “But first you must heal.”
For a bunch of
girls, they sure did hit hard.
His face turned dark and frightening. She
imagined this was the man the enemy faced. She squeezed his hand bringing back
the man with the sparkling eyes.
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Links for many fine booksellers
About the Author
Liza O’Connor lives in
Denville, NJ with her dog Jess. They hike in fabulous woods every day, rain or
shine, sleet or snow. Having an adventurous nature, she learned to fly small
Cessnas in NJ, hang-glide in New Zealand, kayak in Pennsylvania, ski in New York,
scuba dive with great white sharks in Australia, dig up dinosaur bones in
Montana, skydive in Indiana, and raft a class four river in Tasmania. She’s an
avid gardener, amateur photographer, and dabbler in watercolors and graphic
arts. Yet throughout her entire life, her first love has and always will be
writing novels.
Social Networks
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There is over sixty now.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Cassie's Troubles by Liza O'Connor
Cassie’s Troubles by Liza O'Connor
Blurb
The SkyRyders are no longer the best skilled fliers in the
sky, and MAC is determined to rectify the situation by breeding better fliers.
However, the introduction of an exceptional flier into the project brings an underlying
cancer to light. Convinced the Corp removed a maneuver so a female could pass
the flight exam, the male cadets in the Academy revolt. Sensing chaos and
mutiny at the Fort, the enemy cartel gathers a force to annihilate the entire
West Coast forces.
Excerpt
Twelve months later, Cassie glared at the grey walls of
General Adams’ waiting room. Of all the betrayals in her life, this was the
hardest slam, and because of her twenty-year contract she signed, she didn’t
see how she’d get out of it.
What angered her most was she hadn’t even seen it coming.
Yet, she should have. The signs were there. She had noticed the absence of
women captains, yet she let her captains distract her with lectures to focus on
herself: “Apply yourself and you’ll go far.”
Well, she applied herself, and look where it got her, in
some Ryder’s version of a medieval harem. She had flown herself right into the
Corp’s dirty secret that no female recruit ever heard about.
Dare to exceed and the Corp turns you into a breeding cow to
make future fliers.
“Cadet Brown, the general will see you now,” the male admin
announced.
Cassie stood up and tugged at the ridiculous short skirt she
wore. She longed for her fly-suit.
General Adams surprised her. He was both younger and
better-looking than the general at Dix, and the expression on his face, she had
never seen on a general’s face before. He looked at her with an expression of
kindness. It still didn’t change her resolution not to be part of this breeding
program. She had not signed up for harem duty.
“Sit down, Cadet Brown,” the general ordered.
Cassie sat in the chair on the other side of his desk and
tugged at her skirt.
He smiled at her sympathetically. “It’s just a uniform,
cadet. I find all this braid about the neck quite irritating, myself.”
“If you want to trade uniforms, sir, I’m game,” she replied.
He gave her a slight smile and walked around the desk.
Leaning against its edge, he studied her. “You aren’t particularly pleased with
your new assignment.”
“No, sir, I’m not,” she replied curtly.
“I remember when I first became general here. My supply
chain was an absolute disaster. Everyone I put in the job hated it. Each flier
I tried to put in the role was worse than the one before. Finally, a wise old
general suggested I appoint someone to the job who actually liked logistics. I
did, and I’ve never had a supply problem again.”
“That is a very inspiring story, sir.”
“What did you find inspiring about it, Cassie?”
The change in his voice and the use of her first name in
such a familiar manner threw her off-guard for a moment, but she rallied.
“It inspires me to
inform you I find my new assignment insulting and belittling, and I will be
extraordinarily bad at it.”
The general laughed softly. “Everyone feels that way at
first. Come back in six months and if you still hate it, I’ll get you
transferred into a regular Corp unit.”
“Six months?”
“A cadet as determined as you—you can survive anything for
six months, can’t you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You’re not still a virgin, correct?”
Cassie felt her cheeks warm. “No, sir.”
“Generally speaking, did you enjoy your sexual experiences?”
Cassie was certain she was now beet red. “Yes, sir, they
were okay.”
“Well, I hope you will find them better than okay during
your six months. After all you should get some reward for sticking it out. You
were explained the rules of engagement?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Could you tell me what they are, so I can be certain you’ve
understood them all?”
“There are to be twenty-four men on my list. I am to couple
with no less than two a day until the medic certifies I’m pregnant. No one can
force me or take me if I’m not properly stimulated. However, I must allow the
men the right to touch me so that I can be stimulated. I think that was all.”
Cassie finished through clenched teeth.
“You seem angry now,” he observed.
“I am. I get angry every time I think about this ‘job.’ You
know, back before the Terror Wars, women had equal rights. Now, we’ve fallen
back to medieval ways. I joined the Corp, so I wouldn’t be sold into a marriage
with a man I didn’t even know, so I could breed him children. And yet the Corp
expects me to do the same damn thing, except now I’ll have twenty-four damn men
to please!”
“Now you see, there is a difference. The Corp doesn’t expect
you to please twenty-four men. It expects twenty-four men to please you. You
have the upper hand, Cadet Brown. You get to select the twenty-four men you
want on your list. You get to decide when and where you want your pleasure. You
are the one in control, because you are part of the Corp’s most important
project.”
Cassie stared at him in disbelief.
“I can see you don’t believe me yet, but I give you my word,
if you sincerely try to do this job, then in six months, you can have a
transfer if you want out.”
“In six months, I could be pregnant,” she muttered.
“If you are, once the child is carried to term, you will
receive a promotion of one rank and a transfer.”
Cassie was shocked. A promotion—that would be worth six
months of torture in itself. “I’ll try it for six months, sir.”
Links for many booksellers
About the
Author
Liza O’Connor lives in Denville, NJ with
her dog Jess. They hike in fabulous woods every day, rain or shine, sleet or
snow. Having an adventurous nature, she learned to fly small Cessnas in NJ,
hang-glide in New Zealand, kayak in Pennsylvania, ski in New York, scuba dive
with great white sharks in Australia, dig up dinosaur bones in Montana, skydive
in Indiana, and raft a class four river in Tasmania. She’s an avid gardener,
amateur photographer, and dabbler in watercolors and graphic arts. Yet
throughout her entire life, her first love has and always will be writing
novels.
Social
Networks
FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT
Investigate these sites: